What Does It Really Mean to Love Yourself?

By Marisa Sim.

What does it mean to love yourself? Not the Instagram version of self-love, but the kind that holds you when you’re falling apart, the kind that stays with you even when the voices in your head say you’re not enough.

February is often called the month of love, but what if instead of focusing only on romance, we turned that love inward?

For many women, especially those carrying the mother wound, self-love isn’t as simple as taking a bubble bath or buying flowers. It’s about confronting the deep, internalised voices that tell us we are not enough.

I know this because I lived it.

Growing up with a critical Asian mother, I was constantly reminded of how I was “falling short.” My handwriting was too messy, I wasn’t cutting the vegetables properly, and almost everything I did was met with disapproval. That constant criticism created self-doubt, procrastination, and a paralysing fear of making mistakes. As a child, my anxiety often showed up as stomach aches, and I spent much of my early years feeling like I couldn’t do anything right.

That voice didn’t disappear when I grew up. It followed me into adulthood, disguised as my inner critic: Do better. Work harder. Don’t rest. Keep striving. The voice would whisper (and sometimes shout), You’re not good enough. You’re failing. You’ll never measure up.

But here’s the truth I discovered after years of inner work: that voice was never mine. It was inherited - passed down from my mother, and most likely from her mother too.

Recognising this was my turning point.

Healing that inherited voice didn’t happen overnight. It took reading countless self-help books, sitting in shamanic ceremonies, receiving coaching and counselling, and, most importantly, practising tools that helped me separate my authentic self from the inner critic I had internalised. There are two practices that transformed my relationship with myself: Tara Brach’s RAIN method and Byron Katie’s The Work. 

How RAIN Works

Imagine this: you just snapped at your child after a long, exhausting day. Instantly, that familiar inner voice creeps in: “You’re such a bad mother. Why can’t you keep it together?”

Here’s how you can use RAIN in that moment:

R – Recognise what’s happening.
You notice the thought: “I’m a bad mother.” You feel a sinking in your stomach and a rush of guilt.



A – Allow it to be there.
Instead of fighting the feeling or trying to push it away, you breathe and acknowledge: “Okay, guilt is here. Shame is here. I see you.”


I – Investigate with curiosity.
You gently ask: “What’s underneath this guilt?” Perhaps you realise it’s not just about shouting today - it’s tied to a deeper fear of becoming like your own mother, who may have shouted harshly or criticised you. The need underneath is love and safety.



N – Nurture with self-compassion.
You place a hand on your heart and say to yourself: “You’re human. You had a hard day. You love your child deeply, and you can repair this moment.” You might even whisper words you wish your own mother had said to you: “You’re still a good mother. You’re enough.”

By moving through RAIN, you soften the spiral of shame and open space for repair—with yourself and with your child.

How The Work Helps 

Now, let’s take the same thought: “I’m a bad mother.”

Here’s how to walk through Byron Katie’s four questions:

• Is it true?
“Am I really a bad mother?”
Your first reaction might be, “Yes, I shouted.”
• Can you absolutely know it’s true?
When you sit with it, you realise you can’t absolutely know that one outburst defines you as a “bad mother.”
• How do you react when you believe that thought?
You feel heavy, ashamed, and maybe even avoid your child because of the guilt. You criticise yourself even more harshly.
• Who would you be without that thought?
Without believing “I’m a bad mother,” you’d be calmer, able to apologise to your child, and free to reconnect rather than withdraw.

Then comes the turnaround:

“I’m not a bad mother.” → True, because you are present, reflective, and willing to grow.



“I had a bad moment as a mother.” → True, and far more compassionate.



“My thinking is being a bad mother.” → True, it’s not you—it’s the thought creating the pain.

Through The Work, the heavy blanket of shame lifts, and what’s left is perspective, softness, and a chance to show up differently next time.

These practices taught me that self-love isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up with honesty and compassion, especially when I mess up. For instance, when I shout at my children, I used to spiral into guilt for days. Now, I can pause, recognise my humanity, apologise sincerely, and move forward. That shift has softened me, and my children see a mother who owns her mistakes and models repair, not one who pretends to be perfect.

That’s the heart of trauma-informed self-love: accepting all parts of ourselves—the messy, the tender, the fierce, and the flawed. Loving yourself is not about becoming a flawless version of yourself. It’s about learning to hold space for the woman you are right now, with all your wounds.

So, I invite you to celebrate yourself. Go on a solo date. Join that pottery class. Dress up in your finest clothes. Take yourself somewhere beautiful. Give yourself permission to be loved by you.

And remember: self-love and self-compassion are not one-time events. They’re practices, like muscles you build over time. The more you cultivate them, the stronger they grow. 

“The most radical act of healing is to become the loving mother you always needed—for yourself.”

Reflection Exercise for You

Take 5 minutes today with your journal and write about a recent moment when your inner critic was loud.

Ask yourself:

• What was the thought?
• How did it make me feel in my body?
• What would RAIN look like here? (Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture)
• What would The Work reveal? (Is it true? Who would I be without this thought?)
  


Notice what shifts when you bring compassion and curiosity instead of judgment.

Marisa Sim is a trauma-informed coach. As a childhood trauma survivor, she understands firsthand how trauma affects our mental health and well-being. Now she supports women to heal from their childhood trauma and step into their power.

You can find out more about Marisa and her work at: https://www.marisasim.com/