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The Relationship You Have With Yourself

ambila nath the retreat zen den Feb 16, 2021

By Ambila Nath

February is the month of romance and Valentine’s Day, and the time when people are desperate to find someone or be with someone because no one wants to spend Valentine’s Day alone.

Why is that? Why do people seek to be with others to take away that feeling of loneliness or need for love?

‘When the most important relationship you will have is with the person in the mirror.’ - Ambila Nath

So how do you do that? How do you have a relationship with yourself when you have been conditioned and brought up to always think about a relationship as being with another person. We have always believed that that person will fix everything missing in our lives. We will be happy when we are with someone. That someone will love us, comfort us and take away our pain.

Being a spiritual lifestyle coach, I asked that very question to myself. As coaches we do a roundabout thing of asking people about their boundaries, values, etc. Yet I don’t think we ever ask the true question - what is your relationship like with yourself? I did this over one weekend and I will be honest with you, I struggled. It’s not something we are asked or ask of ourselves.


I asked myself the following questions. See if you can answer them about yourself, and be honest:

1.    How do you treat yourself?

2.    What do you think about yourself?

3.    What do you feel about yourself – is it love/or just something you don’t think about?

4.    What do you think about your accomplishments?

5.    What do you think about your growth?

6.    What do you class as your failures?

Our childhood is the source of all our evils! Much of our patterns and beliefs are learnt from the key people in our lives - parents, siblings, family, peers and other adults.

We generally grow up with low self-esteem because we will not have been surrounded by many strong role models for what a good relationship is like. A good relationship includes cooperation, healthy boundaries, respect for others, assertiveness and dealing with conflict. And that in turn has meant that we have learnt that it’s not safe to be, to trust or to express ourselves.

When we feel something is missing or not right, we look to blame others for not giving that to us, but truly what we should be doing is looking inwardly and asking, ‘Am I giving that - love/respect/need - to myself?’

When you realise that the relationship you have been having with yourself is toxic, you become more aware that many of the relationships in your life are (or have been) a mirror of what’s missing in you or your life. You cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone whilst you hold a toxic relationship with yourself.

The belief that you are good enough isn’t something that anyone can give you. It starts by you becoming aware of the problem and becoming conscious of your triggers. Once you start to do that, you can then begin to alter things in your life by changing your old thoughts and behaviours. 

KNOW THIS - How you treat yourself is how you will treat other people. And what you seek in others is what you are not giving yourself.

The sad part of this century is that we are battling with accepting ourselves more than anything. We’re craving perfection because that’s what we’re being sold. We must have the perfect body, clothes, looks, relationships and lifestyles in order to feel loved and to love ourselves. The great news is you don’t have to buy into all of this. You don’t need these external things to define who you are - it’s about working on the internal things that will get you to that loving relationship.


So, how can you build a better relationship with yourself?

1.    Adopt an attitude of curiosity and acceptance. Recognise that change is inevitable and generally good to embrace without excess fear. Follow your intuition/gut feeling and ensure that you fully explore your options when making decisions which don't seem or feel right in some ways.

2.    Prioritise basic self-care. Sleep/nutrition/activity/rest/recreation/positive mental habits.

3.    Be kind to yourself. This doesn't mean ‘letting yourself off the hook’ or dodging responsibility, but it also isn’t about blaming yourself for things that are outside of your control and have nothing to do with you.

4.    Ask for help. Asking for support from others is a sign of strength not weakness. Building a healthy support system around yourself means that you are allowing others to love you.

5.    Celebrate and praise yourself for all the good things and hard work that you do. Give yourself a quarterly appraisal.

‘The better you know yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world.’ - Toni Collette

Have a happy ‘Love Yourself’ Valentine’s Month- as this is the ONLY guaranteed relationship for life.


Ambila Nath is a Spiritual lifestyle coach, serial entrepreneur, tarot reader, energy healer and a paid international speaker. She has worked with clients for over 2 decades helping them to build the life that they deserve by finding their life path, gaining self-confidence to just be themselves, starting successful businesses and trusting in love again.

You can find more about Ambila and her work here or look her up on LinkedIn, drop by on Facebook or Instagram or even watch her on Youtube.

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