Strategic Softness: The Power of Being Perceived as Kind (Even When You're Not Feeling It)

By Laura Pearman.

I once got pulled into a collaborative experience that, on the surface, seemed like sisterhood and synergy. It was packaged as a growth opportunity. A girlboss utopia where we could ”fix each other’s crowns” and shine together...

It cost me over £30,000 in lost earnings!

Vampires, it turns out, don’t always wear capes. Sometimes they wear curated linen sets and preach community while draining your time, clarity, and strategic momentum.

And me? I was the one holding the tray of vein-expanding snacks. Smiling. Making everyone feel welcome. Being the “good girl.” Even as my gut was screaming that something wasn’t right.

Why We’re Wired to Be Soft (Even When It’s Strategic Suicide)

And it started long before business.

When I was a child, one of the earliest lessons I remember from Brownies was: “A Brownie always serves others before herself.” Remember that toxic nugget? I carried that line like a badge of honour. Until I realised it wasn’t just a motto - it was a muzzle.

A script that taught me my value lay in helpfulness, not clarity. In service, not sovereignty. In being chosen, not choosing.

It’s a beautifully packaged trap, designed to make women useful—but not powerful.
Like many of us, I internalised this Good Girl conditioning. Be polite. Be helpful. Don’t make anyone uncomfortable. Be easy to work with, easy to like. And above all: be nice.

Nice was the currency. And for a long time, I spent it freely, especially in business.

    •    I said yes when I didn’t want to.
    •    Explained myself when silence would have been sufficient.
    •    I undervalued my time because I wanted to be approachable.
    •    My brand voice was intentionally soft, warm, cute, and inviting.

All because I thought it would make people trust me more.

It made me relatable, sure. But it also made me responsible for everyone else’s comfort, while quietly eroding my own.

“Softness isn’t the Personal Branding problem. Performative softness is.”

If this is already ringing bells, I highly recommend reading Good Girl Deprogramming: Unleash the Rebel Within by Michelle Minnikin. It’s a powerful and honest Book that names the social contracts so many of us never consciously signed but still live by.

The Branding Cost of Being Perceived as Kind

I no longer list my prices publicly. Not because I’m hiding them, but because every piece of my work is tailored and built around depth, clarity, and intention. It’s not a menu - it’s a signature method grounded in my recommendations about the type of action we take.

Over the years, I’ve learned that kindness, when confused with over-availability, sends the wrong message. It makes people think they can negotiate with your energy. Or that you’re always up for “one quick thing.” That you will defer to their way of doing things because they count on your being malleable or desperate to please them.

It’s also why my hackles go up when someone says, “This could be a great opportunity for you.”

It rarely is.

And when I look back at the most confusing, draining, brand-eroding experiences I’ve had in my business, they all share a theme: I didn’t want to seem difficult. I wanted to seem nice. Having them think I was likable mattered more than the success of my business (or my sanity).

That’s it. That’s the whole crime scene. Do you have any police tape like this up around business or career experiences of your own?

What if The Dragon Lady is Just a Woman with Boundaries

We’ve been taught to fear becoming the “dragon lady” or the “stern school ma’am.” You know the ones. Tight-lipped, unsmiling, commanding. Probably wearing a scratchy tweed skirt suit (that smells musty).

What if they weren’t harsh but simply had the nerve to say no without justifying themselves?
Your personal brand doesn’t need to be hostile. But it does need to be clear. And clarity isn’t always soft.

Warrior Women: The Archetype We Forgot to Reclaim

I think that we don’t talk enough about the lineage of warrior women in our psyche.
From Athena to Boudica, from Joan of Arc to the CEOs, diplomats, and creative disruptors of today, there have always been women who chose clarity over comfort. Not cruel. Not cold. Just done performing palatability for approval.

· Not always liked.
· They were often feared.
· And yet, they led.

Your “no” doesn’t make you unkind. It makes you clear. A refusal to be drained doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you discerning. Every woman who chooses sovereignty over softness joins a mythic, magnificent lineage of power.

Women Who Built Powerful Personal Brands Without Playing “Nice”

Not warm. Or, always liked. Unforgettable and unmistakably in command.

Anna Wintour - Editor-in-Chief of Vogue
Icy, consistent, revered. Built a brand on taste, distance, and absolute clarity.

Christine Lagarde - President of the European Central Bank
Cool, poised, always intentional. Known for presence, not people-pleasing.

Fran Lebowitz - Writer & cultural critic
Rude, brilliant, magnetic. Built a legacy by refusing to soften her opinions—or her tone.

Jenni Murray - BBC Woman’s Hour Host (1987–2020)
Forthright, commanding, unapologetic. Known for pushing difficult conversations, not dodging them.“I’m not here to be nice. I’m here to be honest.”

Maria Popova - Founder of The Marginalian
Scholarly, distant, admired. Her work speaks more loudly than her persona.

Fiona Hill - Foreign affairs expert
Cool under pressure. Trusted for her unflinching clarity in high-stakes situations.

Brand Strategy for the Soft-Spoken Overachiever

Here’s how I’ve recalibrated my personal brand to honour both softness and sovereignty. You can explore all 4 steps in your own personal brand too:

1. Tone Audit
Read your last few posts or emails. Are they padded with pleasantries, caveats, and “just checking in” language? Cut it. Say what you mean. Trust it’s enough.

2. Expectations Up Front
Have a boundaries section on your contact page. Make your working hours visible. Name the things you don’t do on your site. (“I don’t accept unpaid speaking gigs.” “I don’t reply to DMs about pricing.”)

3. Offer Clarity
Don’t let your brand voice invite everyone in. Let it repel. Let it pre-qualify. Let it stand tall without any explanation.

4. Visual Alignment
If all your brand photos articulate “soft, smiling, safe,” add a few that say “grounded,” “firm,” “direct.” Not because you’ve changed. But because you’re not one-dimensional.

The 7-Day ‘No Without Explanation’ Challenge

Here’s your invitation to de-program yourself, one “no” at a time. Simply by practicing this in this way, I feel strongly that it will help you to unlock how your Personal Brand is perceived.

For the next 7 days:

· Say no without padding it.
· Don’t explain why.
· Don’t apologise for it.
· Don’t offer a half-yes as a consolation prize.

Try:
· “Thanks for thinking of me. I’m not available.”
· “That’s not aligned for me right now.”
· Silence.

Notice who pushes back. How did your body respond when doing this and afterwards? Notice what kind of space opens up in your calendar and your mind.

Optional: Why not share your experience publicly? Talk about what it feels like to disappoint people... and not dissolve. This could invite a great conversation with your tribe.

TL;DR: Channel Your Inner Athena

Athena was never the goddess of nice. She was wisdom and war. Strategy and sovereignty. A shield and a sword in a world that demanded softness.

· You don’t have to be soft to be strategic.
· Being kind is not a precursor to being clear.
· You don’t have to be liked to be trusted.

And if your personal brand depends on emotional agreeability?

That’s not visibility. That’s performance.

You’re allowed to step into your power, and you can let “No” be a full sentence. Athena wouldn’t explain herself. Neither should you.

Laura Pearman  is the Founder of LauraPearman.com. She is a Personal Branding Consultant, and  the Host of MwahTV.

Laura is a dedicated Personal Branding Consultant who specialises in helping women craft and develop their personal brands to achieve recognition and success in their respective fields. Drawing on her "Creative Swiss Army Knife" expertise, she empowers female entrepreneurs to harness their unique strengths and creativity, guiding them to build standout brands that leave a lasting impression in the marketplace.

With degrees in Marketing and Photography, combined with over a decade of experience running her creative business and serving hundreds of clients, Laura offers trusted insights and recommendations.

In addition to her consultancy work, Laura writes a thought-provoking column for us here that stimulates important conversation around "The Athena Complex." This concept explores the idea that while we all aspire to be goddesses in our zones of genius, the journey to achieving this is often far more complex than it seems. Laura's article delves into these challenges, encouraging women to embrace their power and navigate the intricacies of personal branding with confidence.