The Heart of Money: How Your Money Story Shapes Love and Life

By Ilana Jankowitz.

I want to introduce you to Suzi.

From the outside, Suzi seemed to have it all. She was independent and successful, and her life, by all accounts, was surrounded by comfort. And yet behind the carefully curated image was a much deeper story.

With a narcissistic father, an alcoholic mother, and a family member in jail for fraud, Suzi would describe her background as “living with a generational curse.” She left home at a young age and was determined to break the pattern and create something different for herself.

While her grandparents had set her up with a trust fund, and she later inherited a large sum of money, Suzi still worked hard and became an entrepreneur in her early twenties – she was bright, ambitious, and driven to prove that she could build a great life on her own terms.

But despite her success, something just wasn’t working. 

Suzi realised her relationships, and especially those with men, followed a painful pattern.

Each time she thought she’d found love, she found herself repeating old wounds and being drawn to partners who mirrored her past. Some were narcissistic, others financially abusive, and some who simply saw her as a means to an end. 

More than once, Suzi was scammed out of thousands by men who promised her love but, in the end, only deceived her. Every time she was left questioning her judgement, her worth, and even her ability to trust.

What she couldn’t yet see was the very patterns she was trying to escape were quietly repeating themselves through her relationship with money and love.

When money mirrors love

I often say: the way we do money is the way we do life.

For many of my clients – women and men who’ve married into wealth, inherited it, or earned it through years of hard work and dedication – the reality of having wealth is far more complex than it looks from the outside. 

Of course, there’s no denying that having substantial wealth brings a level of comfort. And it can also bring quiet uncertainty and the sense that something’s still not aligned. Reality is often accompanied by a deep fear of losing it all – they don’t feel safe and have often experienced loss in relationships, so this fear feels very real.

It’s what I often call the golden cage – a life filled with privilege, but not always freedom. (You can read more about this in my previous blog,‘Golden Cage to Golden Key’).

While Suzi is a fictional representation of my clients, her story is drawn from real experiences and scenarios, and offers a powerful example of how unhealed emotional patterns – especially from childhood – can shape our relationships with people and with money.

If love and safety were unpredictable growing up, money can become a stand-in for what we didn’t receive. For some, that can mean spending to fill emotional gaps, while for others, it might be withholding, controlling, or giving too much.

But it all comes back to the same root: our relationship with self.

Your relationship with money reflects your relationship with yourself

When we’re born, we initially inherit our parents' emotional beliefs and behaviours. I call this our Money DNA.

This DNA holds all the stories we’ve absorbed about worth, trust, and love, and they quietly shape our choices until we begin to see through them.

In Suzi’s case, she realised that her money story carried the same emotional themes as her relationships with men: over-giving, over-trusting, and under-valuing herself.

Through coaching, she started to see that what she truly needed wasn’t more control or protection; it was connection and self-respect, and that healing the relationship with herself became the foundation from which everything else could change.

The patterns we repeat and how to release them

As part of my coaching I work with archetypes, and I’ve noticed that certain ones will often show up again and again. To be clear, archetypes aren’t labels – they’re simply lenses that help us understand how our beliefs and experiences shape our behaviour.

The ones I see most often are…

The Martyr

Rooted in a deep need to earn love or approval.

• In love: over-giving, over-accommodating, seeking validation through service
• With money: under-charging, over-delivering, or hesitating to ask for what they deserve
• The lesson: self-worth isn’t earned through sacrifice

The Innocent & The Victim

Rooted in trust and fear of betrayal.

• In love: difficulty relying on others or letting people in fully
• With money: blurred boundaries, over-spending, rescuing others, or staying financially dependent
• The lesson: healthy boundaries are not walls – they create freedom

The Maverick

Rooted in living for the moment, sometimes avoiding structure or planning.

• In love: spontaneous, generous, often attracting partners who take advantage of their openness
• With money: impulsive spending, “I’ll deal with it later” energy
• The lesson: freedom and responsibility can co-exist beautifully

The Ruler

Rooted in the need for control.

• In love: over-managing or withholding, driven by fear of disappointment
• With money: perfectionism, burnout, or rigidity in pursuit of safety
• The lesson: true security comes from trust, not control

Recognising yourself in one (or more) of these archetypes isn’t a sign of failure – it’s the beginning of awareness, and awareness always opens the door to change.

Healing starts with self-trust

Every relationship we have, whether it’s with money, people, or love, begins with the one we have with ourselves.

When you start listening to your inner voice rather than the noise of old stories, you begin making different choices. You’ll start speaking up more easily and setting clearer boundaries. You’ll spend and give in ways that feel aligned with your values, and not your fears.

From this space, love (and life) can begin to flow differently.

You stop approval seeking because you recognise your own worth. And you stop chasing freedom because you’re living it, from the inside-out.

This is when real transformation begins with your money relationship – not through the numbers in your account, but through the energy behind them.

My invitation to you

If any part of Suzi’s story resonates with you, I want you to recognise that change is possible.

You have the power to create a relationship with money that feels grounded, free, and completely aligned with who you are – and as your money relationship heals, your other relationships begin to shift too.

The simplest way to get started is with my Money Quiz. It’s fun, quick, and super insightful, and will help you understand which Money Archetypes are shaping your money story and patterns, and keeping you stuck.

Once you’ve taken the quiz, book a free follow-up call with me, and together we’ll explore your results and next steps. There’s no pressure or judgement, just a space to begin reconnecting with your own freedom, voice, and confidence.

Because when your relationship with yourself changes everything else follows.

lIana Jankowitz is a certified Money Coach, born and raised in South Africa and currently residing in Zurich. Her work involves identifying behavioural patterns around money, transforming negative thinking, and moving from a self-destructive mindset to one that is positive and inspiring.

Passionate about helping women break free from self-doubt, low self-esteem, and lack of self-confidence and move towards financial liberation, she can help you with her free money quiz, Guided Group course or the Valuing Your Services Ebook.

You can read all about Ilana and her work here or on any of her social pages Facebook|LinkedIn|Twitter|Instagram |YouTube