How to Survive a Relationship Split & Be Your Own Valentine
By Susan Smalley
The Celebration of Love is always to the forefront of our minds as we step into February. Cupid purses his lips and threatens to snatch you down from ‘off the shelf’, even if you have tried to avoid succumbing to being tied into a relationship. Dating sites grab at your solitude, and if you have been happily trundling along in single status, you just may make an exception at this magical time of the year and dress yourself up sassy to hit the dance floor and tango through the hours with your date, or even with other singles, with the hope in finding ‘the right match’ for you?!
February is a fantastic fun time for most of us, but is it so much fun for everyone? How do you welcome in the most romantic month of the year? Are you shrinking beneath your duvet right now, wishing to avoid all the commercial hype and pressure from social media lifestyle blogs and posts about how amazing your lover is with you, whisking you off to some remote hideaway, away from children and work pressures, or family feuds. Are you walling in the grief of a broken relationship, a split, a dispute, or distance through miles? Are you divorced?
Each year of this modern age, society glides through department stores battling through columns of latest fragrances, strong and musky, soft and sensual, light and floral, heavy and intense, bursting with hues of scents from France and Italy, Japan and the United States. Cobbled streets, and neon streets adorn shopfronts, florists, restaurants and fashion houses are packed full of ribbon’d bouquets, cute cheap plant pots with strings of pink orchids, saffron robes with golden braid, elaborate high heeled shoes, leather bags, luxury travel shops, quirky boutique hotels, country house retreats, lavish spa experiences, linen topped restaurant tables with fine cuisine, loud screaming music concerts, and jewellery outlets sparkling their gems with hands raising goblets of wine and flutes of champagne, mindful or perhaps not, of why we honour the Saint who brings dazzling energy of romance to us and our homes, each year, since the early medieval times. Hours are spent scrolling through social media sites for the perfect ring, dress, or home. Wishing to dream the dream of ‘together forever’
The UK has the highest percentage of Divorce in the EU. Bearing in mind all of the couples who ‘live together’ out of marriage too, it doesn’t need a mathematician to work out that there is an increasingly high number of breaks and splits in couples, not only in this country but right across the world. Finding the love of your life, and then facing an incredibly painful split is devastating. Chasing the dream of finding the right one, only to have your hopes dashed is demoralising and destructive.
If you let it.
Do you believe that romance is dead?
Take a look around the magazines on newspapers stands, any of the above outlets for romantic gifts and getaways, and you may say ‘clearly not!’ What is romance anyway? Certainly everyone has a different definition of romance. I believe life itself is romantic. Each new dawn, a setting sun, a racing breeze, catching your breath as your body pushes forward up a mountainside on a climb with views below all patterned that jewels embedded into rocks. I believe that the sigh of an elderly man whose life is spent, and a lady with wrinkles, grey hair and sagging bottom is romance, the athlete on the Olympic field, the sportsman, musician, actor, or sailor on board a naval ship setting out onto a sleeping sea. Corn blowing in the autumnal sun, and a fox with her cubs snuggling down beneath the undergrowth safe from hounds. The pebbles on a beach, and the sound of children spilling their joy onto canvas of sky in summer days that are long. I believe romance is kindness that shows itself now and again when a young person opens the door for you, pulls out a chair for you, stands and offers his or her seat for you. Romance is when your hair is freshly washed and it sways from side to side as you dance your sassy dance forwards down a busy street. Romance is shyness, coy and silent – still and secure. Romance is freedom and it is expression. Romance keeps our lives spinning like ribbons upon bobbins that weave our tapestries of life. Romance is the pain that is etched into stone where we once sat at the side of a lake, eating flapjacks and sipping mango juice with bitter lemons and Wensleydale cheese. Romance is the roof of the mouth that is shown whilst leaned back laughing, the tender touch of a hand to wipe away a salt tear. Romance is two of us.. bathing in bubbles… breathing as one, and waking with smiles. Romance is binding and leads us into tomorrow. Then romance stops. a full stop on the voices. Romance stamps down hard on your heart when it dares to leave you. Romance is cold at the edge of the bed. Romance is silent with music switched off. Romance are leaves that fall brown and crispy. Romance is ice that tightens it’s grip. Romance is release when love is no more. Romance is freedom and finding yourself.
Romance isn’t for gods, or goddesses from Venus, romance is you and it’s me and its our tomorrows. Romance is present like a gift to be opened. Romance is patient, when you feel you are ready. Romance holds tightly your secrets and wishes. Romance smooths edges of papers once torn. Romance brings promises of love to be born, into your life once more.
Everyone loves to love! It feels good to be loved. It is empowering to love. To share love is one of life’s most beautiful gifts. To respect self in love and be in love, loving and giving, becoming and belonging. Ahhhh, dreamy romance whisks us off to one of my favourite novels and movies : Wuthering Heights. We all want a rough diamond like Heathcliffe, or a fine and dandy beau like Mr. Darcy! Don’t we ladies!?
The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along – Rumi
You’re held in space right now, here, if you find yourself down and low, lacking esteem, or feeling alone. I want you to know you are not alone. Your heart chakra is vibrant, open and resonating love to your entire right now, and always. Your soul speaks to you in soft words to soothe your broken heart. Your higher self knows the lessons of your loss and can gift you hope. Trust in the knowledge that you are always loved, and can never be rejected, abandoned, or disheartened for too long. Love is the medicine of power we all need to heal from the sadness, grief, and sorrow of losing someone we love, or have loved.
I love February, it sparkles for me, I shine then settle into the romance of this most favourite month of mine. It’s my birthday on 2nd and I love to take myself off for a day to an adorable destination, a holiday cottage weekend retreat, or spend time with those who mean the world to me, wrapped up in the romance of the month. I love to consult the Tarot for my relationship spread, but what if you are single? What if you harbour a sense of dread at the zillions of hearts and flowers cards pushed into your face? Online or off, there is no escape, you know you cannot avoid St. Valentine aiming his bow and arrow at your heart.
Relationships are what we are. Single or attached, cohabiting or committed, marriage or engaged, you owe it to yourself to honour the relationship you have with YOU.
Following a split, there is unrest within you, You feel lost and abandoned, even if it were you who ended the relationship. There is huge energy shifts in your mindset as well as your emotions, and your body may physically want to shut down and repair. You have dealt with family and friends asking questions, met with neighbours and people in your community who ask about your ex. You want to avoid the looks from others trying to fathom out why you are on your own. You feel an imbalance. You hurt. Deep down you hurt. You may want to hide away like a hermit and feel you have nothing to wear but your smile. The smile that has slipped from your face has slipped also from the mirror as you look upon yourself to examine why you have failed.
You take it personally.
The mask you wear in a relationship split, is solemn, sad and sharply unanimated. You tell yourself there is no point in making the effort. Who’s going to notice you? All your friends are married, hitched? Perhaps you are going through a split, a break-up, a divorce right now. Are you just recently divorced? Did you partner pass through illness, are you having to look after someone, care for them, due to their chronic fatigue? Has your partner of twenty, thirty or fifty years, lost their sense of romance, and the most you can hope for is a bottle of free wine with your two dine for £10 ready made supper? Are you feeling broken, betrayed, between identity in that wobbly cusp of attached to unattached?
You deserve love and right here you can begin to nurture yourself with a little more credit. In loving YOU – your confidence will return, the laughter is waiting for you to catch it once more and there, look, a glimmer of hope, through a now open door.
Believe, in the magic!
Are you feeling the love? Are you awakening to feel special, loved & celebrated?
Are you resigned to believing that you are destined to live your life totally on your own? Often confidence is shattered following break up or divorce. Stress clouds your mind, your energy is zapped, you have no appetite, you feel pressure upon you to reinvent yourself. You wish to change, to show your ex, they are missing out on being with one awesome you. You are depleted and torn, lost and alone and you avoid looking at couples sat rubbing noses, holding hands, and running along beaches. You have no need for a King Size double bed with matching robes, his and hers bath towels and ablutions – there is no need to pop the cork of that complimentary champagne bottle left in your room, with two glasses.
What if you’re happy being single? Are you still trying to get over an ex and are in denial? Or are you feeling liberated, self-assured, ready for change, and looking to fulfil all of your life goals, alone?
Are you waiting for your prince to come? Do you long for romance that you read about it all the old time classics? Upon the movie screens? Do you have a person in mind and you would love to be with them? Are you envious of your friend’s beau, and just can’t find the right one for you? Are you a modern lady with business status, scheduled posts and manic social media scrolling, stalking all others with better things to do? Is it all just getting too much? Do you wish to escape? Where is your knight in shining armour? Have you lost faith?
All the single ladies, put your hands up!
What if you are not happy being single? What if you have found yourself dumped after months of dating, or years of marriage? What if you pulled the plug on a dead end relationship? Have you felt rejection?
At this point you are reminded that you are love and perfectly at liberty to celebrate love.
Here are a few ways you can lavish the love on yourself this valentine’s – especially if you are just recently out of a relationship and your emotions are still raw. Try one or two, or all of these to ensure you hold yourself in high esteem this Valentine’s Day with sassy, sensuality, and show up to every moment you can on a day where you give yourself permission to show you love. You are an awesome character, filled with potential, humour and resilience. Powerful images of the time you loved each other in your past relationship should be caressed and treasured forever by you. You will learn the lessons from such a relationship and your soul will sparkle once again.
14 ways to celebrate the magic of love within you!
Buy yourself a bunch of exquisite bright flowers – splash colour around your home.
Purchase a new expensive perfume – spray or dab a little across your body everyday.
Choose a new outfit from a designer store – pay for higher quality items just for you.
Treat yourself to a pamper from top to toe, a massage, salt scrub, sauna…
Create a montage of all the things you love to do, or would love to do.
Collect photographs of places you wish to visit – the world is vast and invites you now.
Book an overnight stay at a snazzy retreat with roll top freestanding bath overlooking a lake – bathe in the moonlight beneath the stars with your favourite bathtime oils & potions.
Make new memories in the places of your past – revisit old haunts to rekindle your joy.
Design your new wardrobe ready for the new season – a brand new you awaits!
Cook/bake your favourite comfort food to enjoy – nothing more delicious than home baking.
Have a delivery of cakes brought to your office – share with your colleagues and friends.
Arrange for gems and gold to be melted down into a fresh design of a ring, or pendant for you to wear – especially if you have several you know you will no longer wear. Recycle!
Play soothing music from a favourite romantic movie – bring back the memory of romance.
Pour yourself a glass or two or three of your favourite wine or champagne as you write down each evening ten things you feel gratitude for in each passing day – into your journal.
I know of your pain through difficult divorce, or even following an amicable departure, I feel your sense of unworthiness and want you to know you can heal through this grief. Know that you do need time to grieve. Grief a process of inner healing, and sealing of wounds inflicted via the harshness and pain of words and actions. There may have been great financial loss, loss of friends, or home. All are highly stressful incidents and you are justified in wanting time on your own. Be kind at all times towards yourself and others. There may be emotions that lash out at others, unwelcome and out of character, forgive yourself for lashing out. Forgive. Allowing forgiveness of self and especially your ex, will allow you the space to let go with grace. Fill the void with love for yourself and all of the things you love to do. Where were your most romantic experiences? Do not trash them. Hold them in high esteem and always brush over them with love, to keep them magical. They are your joys of life, and you ought to keep them treasured forever. So, when you are feeling your most vulnerable dip into the vast array of awesomeness that you are and step outside into the fresh air, even if you can just manage a walk around the block, a park, or a bus route further away from home, do it. Clear skies and awakened spirit, will help you to replenish your sense of self-worth. Break-ups happen when you have outgrown the necessity to learn the lessons of the liaison. View it as a clearing, as you spiritually shift to a higher level and leave all unnecessary nastiness, squabbling, competing, for the stretched out t.v. drama’s.
You deserve better than the place you have been, so see it as a doorway into a new life experience, through which you walk with head held high.
All love stories have beginnings, passion, drama, tragedy and endings. True love sometimes has to conclude, and the lessons of each encounter are tied like twine forever in some people’s lives. Know that they cherish this special bond in commitment with each other. Every love, no matter how deep or endured in time – is special. So very very special. A gift. It is written. Time now for a new script, new hero and heroine in your life. It’s time to turn another page.
You are the main character and St. Valentine has your hand.
With all my love to you at this simply fabulous February!
Keep igniting the spark of romance within you for life. If you have difficulty going through a break-up or difficulty in your relationship – drop me a line. I shall be delighted to assist you in helping to heal your wounds, re-establish your esteem and help guide you through the rest of this year with my Relationship Coaching for healing and ease of mind.
My name is Susan Smalley and I am a life discovery coach and mentor.
I'm thrilled to be here and cannot wait to get to know you better. My passion from a very young age has been for all things spiritual, from healing and crystals to meditation to one to one coaching, reiki, tuition, and mediumship. I am passionate about intuitive guidance, whether that be in relationships, work, business, family dynamics, health, heightening life demands, lack of focus or a drop in self-esteem, supporting you in transforming any of your restrictions to raise your self-confidence and align you again with the true purpose of your soul. Feel free to connect with me over in The Community or on my Spiritual Sofa on Facebook. You can also visit my website or drop me a line at www.susansmalley.co.uk